THEY'RE OUT TO GET ME!

Am I paranoid if somebody really is out to get me?

I am convinced someone has posted a large bounty to anyone who will take out me and my car.

I drive a little red sports car, a Honda Civic SI with 6 on the floor and VTECH acceleration. It’s a fun car, and I have fun driving it, especially since I got the radar detector and don’t have to worry so much about those pesky cops who like to give tickets to innocent speeders when they should be out looking for guilty murderers.

But now other drivers are out to get me, and not to give me a ticket!

One evening I was coming home from critique group, thinking about my book in progress and how to fix the egregious errors my critique partners had pointed out, in the zone as I sped around a long exit from one highway onto another. It’s a fun exit/entrance that curves sharply and is really fun to zip around.

My left brain suddenly exclaimed, “There’s a car coming toward you in your lane!”

Right brain: “Impossible. So my heroine finds another gift on her front porch…”

Left brain: “I swear! White car! Coming toward you!”

Right brain: “Leave me alone! And the gift has another note…”

Both sides of brain: “OMG! There’s a car coming toward me!”

I swerved, thwarted his evil purpose and eluded him. This was a blatantly deliberate attempt to take me out. There’s no way that driver could have accidentally turned onto the entrance ramp of the highway. He was after me.

I drove on, and in a couple of miles my heart rate and blood pressure returned to normal. Almost home, I was driving in the right lane, going past a huge U-Haul truck towing a car behind. All of a sudden the driver decided she wanted to be in my lane…while I was still driving in it.

I slammed on the brakes and slid around her with inches to spare, ending up in the left lane, the one she’d been driving in. I straightened, hit the gas and prepared to get past the second threat to my life and car that evening.

But the U-Haul driver was determined to complete her assignment. She came back over into my lane. I went into VTech mode, sped away with inches to spare, and managed to escape with my body and vehicle intact. I hope that Kamikaze woman was awake all night, obsessing about how she failed to complete her mission.

Having established that my car is fast and easy to maneuver, THEY switched tactics. One evening four Kamikaze drivers waited on side streets then, when one saw me approaching, he eased out into traffic in front of me and slowed to a crawl. Fortunately I have quick reaction time, very good brakes, a good horn and a large vocabulary of curse words. I can only imagine how much money must be offered to induce someone to look up, see a red sports car driven by a crazed redhead barreling down the street, and decide it would be a good idea to pull in front of her.

Then one afternoon I turned onto my home street and saw a car approaching from a side street. I was wary by that time, but the car stopped at the stop sign in front of her. Whew! Not one of the potential assassins. However, as I approached, she gave me an evil look and started to pull in front of me. I slammed on my brakes and twisted my wheel, turning to the side of the street. Thus thwarted, she stopped, smiled grimly and surged past me before I could get her license number.

I believe these events prove beyond a reasonable doubt that someone with a lot of money has it in for me. But who? I realize I can be a little irritating upon occasion, though never without good cause. Well, sure, it could always be the evil ex who hates me and has plenty of money, but he’s too stingy to pay to have it done.

How long can I evade these people? How many more will come after me? What cunning tactic will they employ next?

I can see only one recourse. I will put all of them in a book, expose them, and kill them. Thank goodness I have the power of words and a VTech engine behind me!