Friday, May 6, 2011
Writing with Your Pants on Fire
Susan: Crazy, indeed. As a fiction writer, I’m used to making up stories, which end up in things I call “novels.” But I’m not sure what to call what you do. Are you a nonfiction storyteller? A pseudo-expert? A mem-fic author? Or just a reality show wannabe?
Susan: Obstacles like the truth, you mean.
Susan: I'd say either works in your case. Might I ask about your educational background? On the CV you emailed, I can’t quite make out the name of your alma mater. It looks like, “FaçadeUniversity.com.” I’ve never heard of it.
Lya: That’s because it’s French. But what’s book learning anyway? I earned my credentials at the most difficult institution on the planet, even tougher than Harvard and Yale combined. It’s called the School of Hard Knocks. That’s where I got my doctorate.
Susan: Hmm, I’m not sure that it’s an accredited institution.
Lya: Forget degrees! I didn't need one to become an elephant trainer, did I? And if you've seen that flick, "Water for Elephants," you can witness what a bang-up job I did. Saved that tiny Reese Witherspoon from being trampled more than once. Or how about my mastery of makeup? Do you think Lady Gaga was truly born that way? And how about my past domination of the beauty pageant scene. You do realize I was crowned Miss America, Miss Universe, and Miss Galaxy all in one fell swoop? It was the largest pageant ever, held at Trump’s casino in Vegas, and Oprah sang the National Anthem. I’ve never heard such a beautiful voice.
Susan: Wow, your experiences are certainly unbelievable. I noticed your press release also states that you served a prison stint at Folsom with Johnny Cash. What happened?
Susan: I can name those tunes in five notes.
Lya: Are you questioning my veracity, Ms. McMuffin? Are you calling me a fake?
Susan: If the faux Jimmy Choo fits....
Lya: Oh, ye of little faith! You can’t even imagine how many people believe every word I say.
Susan: I can, yep.
Lya: And those who know better, I call LIARS (all in caps), because it’s better to strike first, you know.
Susan: Good plan.
Lya: It’s something I developed while heading the Global War Tribunal at the Pentagon. It’s called Even If You Ask, I Won’t Tell the Truth.