Yes, it's April Fools' Day so it's fitting that I'm blogging. I consider myself a certified (or is that certifiable?) goof by anyone's standards. My husband loves how I crack jokes--or make a really off-the-wall pun--and laugh myself silly. I used to want to be such a stand-up woman, the kind who wore cardigan sets and pearls, whose hair and nails always looked perfect, and who had the perfect reply for any occasion. I realized instead I'm more of a stand-up comic, who looks at the odd side of things and has a penchant for sarcasm (and, yes, puns).
So I take great pride in my four-year-old niece Audrey, who has a flair for the dramatic and a keen eye for jokes. She likes to make them up herself, or steal a line from someone and turn it into a comedy routine. Take Christmas a year ago when I made this joke to the grown-ups in the family:
Me: "What did Santa say to Tiger Woods?"
Them: "What?"
Me: "Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho" (or however many "hos" Tiger actually had accounted for at the time).Them: "What?"
Them: "Where'd you hear that?"
Me: "I made it up!"
From then on, Audrey would walk around saying, "You know why? 'Cause I made it up!" Ed and I adopted that into our own lexicon. Whenever one of us says, "Do you know why?" The other replies, "'Cause I made it up!"
I'm thinking, too, that Audrey had someone tell her she was a pain in the butt since that seems to be one of her recurring phrases, especially in her jokes. Like this one, sprung on me at her little brother's birthday party last weekend:
Audrey: "Knock knock."
Me: "Who's there?"
Audrey: "You."
Me: "You who?"
Audrey: "You're a pain in the butt, Aunt Susan!"
My family found that hilarious (and strangely apropos). I'm not sure where she heard this one, or if she "made it up!" But here goes:
Audrey: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Me: "Why?"
Audrey: "So he could rule the world!"
Of course!
The other day when Audrey asked my mother where she'd been that morning, and my mom told her, "I was at the doctor," Audrey asked, "Was it a paleontologist?" I wondered if she thought her grandmother was a fossil. Then I found out she'd apparently been watching a kid show on PBS with a dinosaur "doctor" on it!
So I'd love to hear your silliest joke on this lovely April Fools' Day. Or make one up. As you can tell by my favorite "Audrey jokes," it doesn't matter if they even make sense.
Here it is:
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I went to Toulouse Lautrec's birhtday party and I got him a belt.
When he opened it I asked "Is that belt too tight, Toulouse?"
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I heard that joke in the 70s on the Tonight Show from Johnny's guest Rip Taylor and I swear that for a couple of decades I couldn't even get through telling it without cracking up. Pitiful.
PS to all the gang: The new site layout and graphics are wonderful! Very sharp looking.
Vicky, I love it! I'll have to share that with Ed (who is quite the comedian himself--he uses the punch line to a joke about pirates every time I say something is driving me nuts, prompting him to go, "Arrrrr!").
ReplyDeleteI am one of those people who can never remember jokes. Or, if I remember the joke, I can't remember the punch line. Arrghh, as you would say, Susan.
ReplyDeleteThanks for making me smile on this snowy Friday! (And Vick, I'm stealing that one from you!) Maggie
Here's Ed's pirate joke in full:
ReplyDeleteA man walks into a bar with an enormous ship's steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender looks at him and says, "What's up with the steering wheel?" And the guy says, "Aaar, it's driving me nuts!"
(He is laughing as he shares this!)
Fun post, Susan. Here is my ode to April Fools Day & opening day in MLB:
ReplyDeleteA Mets fan, Cardinals fan, Red Sox fan, and Yankees fan are climbing a mountain, arguing about who loves his team more. The Mets fan insists he is the most loyal. ''This is for the Mets,'' he yells, jumping off the mountain. Not to be outdone, the Cardinals fan swan dives, hollering, “I’m the biggest fan! Here’s to the Cards!” The Red Sox fan is next to profess his love. "This is for all of Red Sox Nation!" he yells, pushing the Yankees fan off the mountain.
**Please do not email me if you're a Yankees fan :)
I'm in the category of never can remember jokes. When my kids went to kindergarten (all 5 of them) each one would come home with the same silly jokes that the one before him or her came home to play on me. As a good mother, I played along.
ReplyDeleteMarily
Laura, too funny! I'm going to have to steal that one (only I'll have to rearrange where the Cardinals fan comes in, of course!). Thanks for that! :-)
ReplyDeleteMarilyn, I can only imagine!
I thought of two more--here's the first:
ReplyDeleteA frog walks into a bank and approaches a loan executive's desk. She looks up and smiles and he sees that the name plate on the desk reads "Patricia Waak".
"Hello, how can we help you, sir?"
"Ms. Waak, my name is Kermit Jagger and I'd like to apply for a loan to buy my dream boat."
"Well, Mr. Jagger, sit down and let's talk. This is for a luxury purchase you say?" She begins to fill in an loan application.
"Yes, see all my life I've promised myself that one day I'd have a lovely sailboat and I'd spend my golden years on the water. Well, I just had my 60th birthday and figured I should make the dream a reality. So, I found a beautiful boat and have until the end of the week to secure the $75,000 for it, so here I am."
Ms. Waak pauses and puts on a poker face and says "OK, for that kind of loan we are going to need some good collateral. What can you put up against the loan that is worth at least $100,000?"
"Ah, I knew you'd ask, so take a look at THIS." With that, Kermit Jagger reaches into a paper sack and pulls out a mass of wrinkly tissue paper and gently unwraps a tiny little porcelain elephant figurine, very pretty but hardly impressive. "TA-DA!!!", Kermit exclaims.
Ms. Waak takes a beat and says "I see. May I hold the elephant?"
"Certainly. Exam it to your heart's content. I'm sure you'll find it exquisite."
Ms. Waak takes the elephant, looks at it, looks at Kermit and says "If you'll excuse me a moment, I'll have to take this up with my branch manager."
Kermit smiles big and nods. Ms. Waak takes the application and the elephant and makes her way to the office of her manager and knocks and enters. Her boss, Susan, looks up and says "What's up, Patty?"
"Well, you aren't going to believe this. I've got a frog out there who says his name is Kermit Jagger who wants to borrow 75 grand for a sailboat and his only collateral is THIS." She holds out the elephant and the form. "I mean, what is this supposed to be!?"
Her boss looks out toward Patty's desk where Kermit sits patiently and looks at the elephant and says "It's obviously a nick-nack, Patty Waak. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a rolling stone!"
Buh-dum-buh.
And, here's the other one:
ReplyDeleteI heard someone once on a riff of trying to get someone to remember something and saying things like "does spring break ring a bell? how about Cozumel, does that ring any bells? Does Quasimodo ring a bell?"
The Quasimodo line just made me howl with laughter, I don't know why.
LOL, Susan, have at it! I rearranged it from a Yankees joke, added the Cards part as a tribute to your stomping grounds! It's a flexible joke.
ReplyDeleteYou guys are killing me. It's taking me way too long to get some of these jokes. I've got to lighten up! Or spend more time around kids.
ReplyDeleteRhonda
aka The Southern Half of Evelyn David
Vicky! You are cracking me up this morning. I'm going to have to show Ed the Kermit Jagger joke. It's right up his alley, too! ;-)
ReplyDeleteLaura, nothing better than a flexible joke!
You are all too much.
ReplyDeleteMy husband, Mike Geraci, is the king of the terrible puns. One of his favorites? Whenever I try to "hurry" him along somewhere, his stock response is, "I'm Italian, not Russian (rushin')".
Yeah, it gives me a stomache ache too!
Maria, I like your hubby already! He sounds a lot like Ed! (If I tell Ed that pun of Mike's, he's going to steal it!) ;-)
ReplyDeleteWould you believe I made it through the whole day not realizing it's April Fool's Day? Gheesh, I should be stoned to death with squid or something...
ReplyDeleteLOL
Angela @ The Bookshelf Muse
Angela, I think getting through April Fools' Day unscathed is a very good thing. ;-)
ReplyDeleteHow many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? *
ReplyDelete(Aside: my nieces and nephews and I, after too many times when we passed something interesting before they managed to see it, made up a game, "It's behind us now," with outrageous sightings of dinosaurs, tigers, etc.
*Only one, but it has to want to change.
Mary, I'm stealing that one, too! Thanks. :-)
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