Friday, December 2, 2011

All I Want for Christmas is Escada Couture Swarovski Crystal Jeans

by Susan McBride's Second Cousin Once Removed, Tiffany Van Cleef Arpel

My dear cousin, Ms. Susan, has to get cracking on a book deadline, so I told her I'd fill in on the blog today, offering my always fabulous holiday shopping tips. If I'd left Susan to discuss the subject, she'd be all about "Take care to mind your budget, blah blah blah." Budget? Hello! That word's not even in my vocabulary, unless my stable hand says, "Hey, Tiff, can't seem to get Appletini's ass out of the stall, even when I try to budge it."

Look, I've done my best to pick out truly reasonable items for everyone on your gift list (meaning: me, me, me!); so don't panic, even if your trust fund is tied up in litigation because your money manager finally got caught running his silly ol’ Ponzi scheme. I know how to spot a bargain, particularly if it's really sparkly. So without further ado, here are my awesome recommendations!  No need to thank me.

A pink leopard guitar for a piddly $9,900. It’s, like, musical art with a mahogany neck, rosewood finger board, and hand-applied Swarovski crystals. Do I know how to play the guitar? Heck, no! Well, not any better than Brittany Spears knows how to sing without Auto-Tune. But I’m a rock chick at heart so I’d just wear this puppy around my neck instead of pearls.

While you’re pretending to play that guitar, you’ll need to look hot, right? So how about a pair of Escada Couture Swarovski Crystal Jeans, available at Neiman Marcus for a mere $10,000. Honestly, you can never have too many jeans, and why not have some that glitter like the Vegas strip when you're caught in the headlights of your boyfriend's Lamborghini? Just be really careful about wiping sweaty palms on your thighs when you're wearing these babies, as you can cut yourself up pretty good. (Don't ask.)

If you like something simpler, you can always go with the Dolce & Gabbana Astrakhan Jeans, which are incredibly priced at $3,950. It's like stealing, I swear.

For the very special woman on your list who likes things soft and fuzzy (and that's me, me, me!), how about a lovely and practical Louis Vuitton mink scarf, a mere pittance at $1,710. It can double as a mink pillow if you stay at a hotel where the sheets smell too bleachy (yeah, Paris Hilton, and you can tell you dad I said so!).

Not into scarves? Then go for J. Mendel silver fox vest (price tag: $5,475). Though I'm afraid my arms would get cold, so, please, spring for both. You wouldn't want me wandering into Donald Trump's Christmas Eve bash hacking up phelgm 'cuz I've got pneumonia, now would you?

The perfect outfit for any holiday party is the little black dress, and Miu Miu has the cutest ruffled one for a paltry $820. I know. What a deal, huh? And since you'll only wear it once, you won't feel like you're getting ripped off or anything.

You're probably saying, "Tiff, my God! What fantastico ideas! Surely you can't have more?"

Ah, but I do.

Like this little gem: Faraone Mennella for Carolina Herrera citrine, rose quartz and pink tourmaline brooch. It's understated yet pretty as my picture. "But what's that cost, Tiff?" I hear you asking. To which I reply, "You can easily afford it AND the mortgage payments on your villa in Tuscany without selling off those Rembrandt etchings." $14,000. Yes, that's right. Unbelievable, huh? So make it two, please!

If you're wondering about New Year's Eve ‘cause you'd like to bring a bottle of bubbly to that party Skip and Bitsy Vanderhaven are throwing in Greenwich, my suggestion would be to take them a set of Hermes cocktail glasses (just $400 a glass) and the Louis Roederer Cristal Champagne 1990 ($231). I guarantee Skip and Bitsy will be your pals for life, or at least until they run out of the Cristal.

And, finally, the perfect holiday present. One that will never be returned or re-gifted. Here goes (drumroll, please, Ringo): a yoga retreat at Hotel Tugu in Bali. At $2,590 per couple x four nights, it's even cheaper than the jeans!

So there you are, my darlings. Just have your valet and/or your personal assistant wrap 'em up, and you can call it a day. It was a lot easier than you thought, wasn't it? Because life is too short to waste a lot of time in places called "The Galleria" when you could be at the spa, getting high colonics and Brazilian bikini waxes and your eyebrows plucked to smithereens.

If you need further inspiration, just repeat this ditty (my personal mantra): "Gucci, Pucci, Prada, Fendi, nothing's wrong with being trendy."

Ciao, babies...and happy shopping!


(Note from Susan:  Tiffany wrote this lovely piece for me a few years back so some of the prices may have changed, although I'm not sure if that matters much, if ya know what I mean.)


  1. Susan, er... I mean, Tiffany, how do I get on your Christmas list?

  2. Why, Ms. Maria! I think you have the wrong idea, silly. It's YOU who's supposed to buy something sparkly for me! (Glad we got that straightened out!) Oh, and buy something for yourself while you're at it. That's what holiday shopping is all about, isn't it? ;-)