Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Real Things that Have Happened to Me (or that I've Done)

In another attempt to avoid working last week, I reflected on a few real things that have happened to me or that I’ve done. I’ve decided that we’re going to call this blog, No Regrets Wednesday here at the Stiletto Gang.

In another attempt to stretch out the work avoidance for as long as possible, I then decided that I would sit down and list these real things that have happened to me or that I’ve done to see if anyone has had similar experiences and if you would like to share one or two similar things so that we could all have a good laugh.

Here goes:

1. I once got in a cab in New York City when I was in my twenties and after I told the cab drive where I wanted to go, he said, “Wow, you’re beautiful. After blushing from the tips of my toes to the top of my head, I confessed that no, I was not a model and thanked him for the wonderful compliment. He said, “It’s ok. I didn’t really mean it. I ask every woman who gets in my cab so I can get a big tip. You’re ok looking, though.”(He did not get a big tip.)

2. I once had to open up and then relinquish a foiled-wrapped sandwich in the security line at JFK because nothing says terrorist like chicken salad on a roll and an almost middle-aged textbook editor. They did not confiscate the sandwich, but I didn’t feel like eating once I got on the plane.

3. I once saw a woman walking in Times Square with her entire skirt tucked into the back of her underpants.(My mom can vouch for this.) I stopped her, made her stop talking on her cell phone, and told her that about three million Japanese tourists had just seen her bootie and many had taken pictures. She thanked me and went on her way, happy that there was a woman in the world who was brave enough to tell another that her behind had been displayed on the Jumbotron outside of the Good Morning, America, studios.

4. I once wore my husband’s boxer briefs to a job interview because I was too lazy to do my own laundry.

5. I once told my kids that I was getting my own apartment. (Actually, that happened more than once.)

6. I once laughed so hard that I wet my pants. And my husband’s pants.(In the interest of full disclosure, I was nine months pregnant with child #1, who turns 18 today!)

7. I once got lost driving home from a grocery store in a neighboring town.
It took me ninety minutes to find my way back. Yes, the ice cream had melted.

8. I once told a client that he had to buy what I was selling because I was nine months pregnant (see #6) and ‘baby needs a new pair of shoes.’It worked.

9. I once wore pajama pants to class because I hadn’t washed any real pants. I know this is commonplace now but back in 1865, it was positively scandalous. Although I got a talking to from the dean of students, I also got a date with a really cute guy who I married five years later.

10. I once ate an entire bar of Velveeta cheese. I then proceeded to realize, almost immediately, that this was a really bad idea.

Ok, so it’s No Regrets Wednesday at Stiletto.

Fess up, Stiletto faithful.

Let me know one thing you’ve done that you’ve carried around in your heart for all these years, unable to reveal.

I’m counting on you.

Maggie Barbieri


  1. I can put up to two things, both from long ago and pretty tame (sorry, Mags—I am ever mindful that this is the internet!).

    EPISODE 1:
    During college I went through a couple of stints of only sleeping between 10p and 2a every night for the last two weeks leading to finals. One night, I woke up to go to the bathroom and then go down to the dorm lounge where I figured I’d see who else was up to study, write, etc. and maybe get some coffee before settling in for my next long day. On opening my door I found a wedge of cold pizza on a few stacked brown paper hand towels, the kind stocked in the bathroom dispensers in our dorm, sitting on the floor immediately in front of my room. I picked it up, started eating it, and walked down to the lounge. While most of my fellow Mottier Hall residents understood that no one should ever turn down the chance to eat a little free pizza at 2a, cold or not, and that it would have been rude to reject such a generous gift, a few people could not believe I would pick up cold pizza from our marginally clean hallway floor, left by who the hell knows who, and eat it without a flicker. I did find who left it for me and thanked them, too.

    To this day if I speak to someone from those days they say “hey, remember when you ate that pizza off the floor?”.

    Again, it was not on the floor. It was on a stack of clean (I’m pretty sure) paper towels on the floor.

    EPISODE 2:
    In 7th grade I was ditching study hall with some friends and prowling around the halls and empty rooms of our building, not really doing anything harmful, but still in the wrong. At one point, we all almost got caught by the vice-principle, whom everyone feared. We had to split up and run and I dashed under a wide stairwell near an exit, but not before doing something I’d seen in the movies: I rushed first to the exit door, shoved it open at the panic-bar, and then turned and tucked myself under the stairwell. That made a very identifiable sound and it took some time for the door to close, which drew the VP’s attention, of course. But, he was already on my trail, so it seemed the right risk. Just as I pressed myself up into the wedge created by the brick wall and the slant of the underside of the stair case, trying to gulp breathes quietly, I heard and saw the VP’s feet approach the exit alcove. I watched him move to the door and look out, trying to see who had just run out of the building. If he’d thought to look a few feet to his right as he turned and made his way back down the hall, he’d have seen me because there was nothing to hide behind. But, he didn’t and I waited for a minute, walked quietly out to the main hall-way intersection and peeked around the corner to see him far down the hall, walking away toward the administrative offices. Then I hid myself in a bathroom for the few minutes until passing time for the next class. I didn’t ever do it again. I had been lucky and had gotten a thrill and that was adventure enough for me.

  2. Vicky, I have been known to pull something off the top of the garbage, wrapped of course, and eat it. We call it "pulling a Costanza" after the infamous SEINFELD episode where George eats an eclair that had been thrown away. Maggie

  3. I agree with you and Georgie-Peorgie! It's not really dirty and if you know who touched it last, you should be good to go!

    Also, from where the hell else do people think "the 5 (or 10 or 15 . . . ) second rule" comes?

  4. I'm trying to think of my weirdest moments, and my "eat once a day only" diet comes to mind. I could eat anything I wanted, but only once a day (in the morning). This was around college-age, I should clarify, but went on for a few years after! On Sundays, I remember eating a box of a dozen Dunkin' Donuts. Other days, sometimes I'd eat a whole large pizza. One time, it might be a 1 lb bag of chips with salsa. I know, horrible! I'm so glad I don't eat like that any more. Let's see...anything not food-related? Oh, yeah, there was a time I was waiting for the shuttle to a mystery convention, chatting with other authors outside the airport, and finally realized I had toilet paper trailing from one shoe. Gotta have a sense of humor!

  5. Let's see - I slipped and fell in the middle of a show when I was in grad school. It was during a dance number and instead of just getting up and continuing on, I did the arm movements to the dance from the floor before finally standing up and continuing along. Now - remember that I am not a dainty thing. I am 5' 10" and back then weighed about 30 lbs more. I hit the ground with a thud. But I did get lots of compliments on the fact I didn't turn as red as my hair when it happened. (Little did they know that stage make-up hides all sorts of things including blushes!)

  6. Oh my. Is there room in this box?

    How about the time I was standing on the train platform in Peekskill (it was freezing out) and took my gloves out of my pocket only to watch one fly onto the tracks... For the rest of that day I did the Michael Jackson one glove thing.

    Oh. And there's the time (very early in my writing) when I got a rejection on a short story. I sent an email to a friend saying "I don't get what these people want." Only I hit reply. gulp.

    I could go on, but I'll stop now lest you all think I'm a total idiot.

  7. When I was very, very pregnant and walking down the street on the Seabee base in front of the dispensary (where I had just had a pregnancy check up) my underpants fell off. (There were sailors everywhere.) I stepped out of them and kept on going and fled to my car.