Friday, July 16, 2010

Five Things I Do Not Like

by Susan McBride

We're about to start something new and fun here at the Stiletto Gang. Beginning on July 23, the Gang will do regular joint posts with our various opinions on a single subject. But before "Soapbox Stilettos" debuts, I decided I'd get into the spirit by writing about Five Things I Do Not Like. Yes, I know, I could've listed 100 Things I Do Not Like, but then this piece would've had to run for a week, and I'm not sure anyone would enjoy that (unless they're being punished for eating the last pint of Ben & Jerry's or for telling a spouse, "Yep, you do look fat in that"). So here goes!

1. Going to the Dentist

Yes, I'm a good girl so I see my dentist twice a year, and I love her. I really do. She's about my age, and we always chat about boys, books, and boobs (she's a survivor, too). But I am not fond of dental cleanings in the least. I can't think of much I like less than someone's latex-gloved hands stuck in my mouth while they're scraping my teeth. Sometimes I wonder if they're pick-axing for gold, they're in there for so long. And while I am a chat-aholic, it's awfully hard to talk when my mouth is wide open and someone's scraping, flossing, and/or polishing my pearly whites. I've had a fear of the dentist's office since I was a kid. I remember gagging into a spit-sink once because I hated the taste of the gritty paste. I still hate it, although I somehow refrain from gagging. However, I do like my teeth and would prefer to keep them. So I'll fight my fear and show up for my every-six-month visit even though I'd rather run naked through Six Flags (and I so don't want to do that!).

2. Clowns

When my brother was a baby, my mom had clown portraits hanging over his crib, and I always figured that's why he screamed so hard when she put him down at night. The paintings frightened me to death, that's for sure. On my first trip to Ringling Bros. Circus, I sat in the front row with my family, and a clown approached to pull an egg from my ear. Like any normal, well-adjusted child with a Bozo phobia, I began shrieking and crying my eyes out. And, no, I haven't gotten over this. So don't surprise me with a Clown-O-Gram on my birthday, okay?

3. Multitasking Drivers

I'm not even sure talking on cell phones is the most dangerous distraction for drivers. I've seen folks eating meals, icing cupcakes, styling their hair, putting on makeup, and reading newspapers all while commanding the wheel of large vehicles that weave over the lines and cut across multiple lanes of traffic because they nearly missed their exit (go figure). I understand how busy everyone is, but Multitasking Drivers are a menace to the rest of us. Since my car is small and lots of Multitasking Drivers helm oversized tanks, it's almost life or death heading out to the grocery store these days. Is it too much to ask drivers to just, um, drive???

4. Celery

I am a big fan of green food. Give me a plateful of broccoli any day, and I'll devour it. Green beans, lima beans, spinach, green peppers, and green onions all make me go "yum." But celery? It tastes like nothing. No, I take that back. It tastes like a stalk of crunchy, stringy nothing. I don't want it in my tuna salad, and I don't want it in my stuffing. The only way it's remotely enjoyable is filled with cheese or peanut butter. If it were up to me, I'd say, let the rabbits have it!

5. Toddler Beauty Pageants

Tiny children dressed in bikinis with fake hair and fake teeth, shimmying and posing in front of grown-up people all for the sake of winning giant tiaras too big for their little heads. What is the point here? To begin training a new generation of reality show hos, plastic Barbies, and porn stars? To keep the offices of every psychotherapist and psychiatrist in the country full for years and years to come? Whenever I've even glimpsed these sad contests, I feel as I do when I'm at the APA to pick out one cat: I want to let them all out of their cages and say, "Run! Run as fast as you can!" I wish someone would do that for these poor pageant babies. A pack of wolves in the wild could raise most of them more sanely than their stage parents.

Whew! I feel better after writing that! If anyone should want to join my rant, please do! I'd love to hear things that you really don't like, too. I'm sure you'll pick up on plenty that I missed.


  1. I am totally on board with all your dislikes... except celery! I LIKE celery. It's crunchy. Fresh. Good with peanut butter. Yummy in soup. Makes me feel good getting my veggies.


    Multitasking drivers should be sent to Mars!!! Hate, hate, hate to see them (and they're mostly women!) talking on the phone... and worse, texting while driving.

  2. Heartily, agree, Susan. I hate onions. Curiously, I love me a good scallion, but big, white, onions? Hate 'em. Any time I go anywhere for lunch and see any kind of salad on the menu, I always ask, "Are there any onions in there?" and god help the server who gets it wrong. Jim and I once went to a local restaurant that had a great reputation for one last dinner before child #2 was born (trust me--there was no going anywhere after he was born what with the screaming through dinner and constant puking) and I ordered the sea bass. No where in the menu's description did it mention onion. You know how it was prepared? Wrapped in an onion. Don't you think that would have been something to include on the menu instead of "lightly poached"? The entire piece of fish was baked INSIDE THE ONION. I was not happy. Ok--rant over. Maggie

  3. Hi,

    Great blog for a Friday! Gives everyone a chance to blow off steam.

    I hate drivers who don't use turn signal lights. Guessing what the driver ahead of you is going to do or not do is one of my least favorite activities. Signal people - it's free every time.

    I also dislike root beer, Dr. Pepper, coconut, nuts (except for peanuts), beets, capri pants, nose jewelry, and tattoos.

    And yeah, Susan - those little girl beauty pagents are crazy!!

    aka The Southern Half of Evelyn David

  4. Ah, I love that you guys are getting into the spirit! And don't you feel better once you've let it out? (Although I'm a little worried about our Misa liking celery. I think the Celery Lobby is paying her off or something! ;->)

  5. I've always loved clowns, even have a clown collection. No of them are scary looking like the picture you posted. Stephen King ruined clowns in "IT" and the Clowns from Outer Space movie didn't help either.

    And celery and onions, goodness, I can't make soup of any kind without loads of celery and onions. To tell the truth, there is very little food that I don't like. I'm not crazy about turnips, but with enough butter or in stew they're edible.

    The rest I'll go along with.


  6. I TOTALLY agree about the clowns and since we both saw the same scary pics in our brothers room, let's be like all good children and blame that one on MOM!

    I don't like the kiddie pageants either...horrifying that one woman said "you have to be beautiful to get a job"...obviously she doesn't work for the City of New York. JK

    I dislike people who don't walk to the's a crowded city/subway thing but it's annoying.

    And I dislike automated phone systems who make it next to impossible to speak with a real live human...ARGH!

    And if we're going to throw in green food..LOVE celery- good source of calcium...HATE lima beans.

  7. Hey, Anonymous Sister Named Molly! So glad you stopped by to, calmly discuss things that peeve you. ;-) Uh-huh, those clowns were scary, right out of Stephen King's IT (thank you, Marilyn, for reminding me!). Uh-oh, I'm getting outnumbered on the disliking celery thing. Maybe I'll just keep that to myself from now on, or I might start getting hate mail from Celery Lovers International or something. (Celery has calcium??? Who knew???) Yes, automated phone systems! Argh! Totally do not like those either. And I could add cat barf, particularly when one has to clean it up first thing in the morning and it goes all the way down the carpeted stairwell since said cat was puking while running. (Was that TMI???)

  8. I agree with so much of your list. I might add that I don't like barf of any kind, cat or otherwise, and am not particularly happy about cleaning it up.

    I absolutely can't stand any of those "exploit the kids" reality shows. I want them all off the air -- but can't help think that unfortunately any parent who puts their kid on one of those shows has the common sense of a gnat and with or without the show, the kid is still stuck with the parent. Makes me sad.

    Not crazy about clowns either -- I just remember some show from my childhood where the popular clown was actually suicidal. Made me think that they all were (I know they're not, but the memory lingers).

    Finally, to add something new to the list, how about black licorice? I would always just pass up Good & Plenty candy at the movies, even though it was enough to get you through the feature. I don't like raw fennel because of the licorice taste -- but have discovered I really like roasted fennel when the taste seems to disappear. Think if I roasted some Good & Plenty...??


  9. Marian, I used to like Good & Plenty, but can't imagine eating it now! My mom loves black licorice, especially those Nibs (or whatever they're called). Yuck. I think it's funny you associate the taste with fennel! You reminded me of something else I do not like: cherry-flavored anything. Seems like all medicine was cherry-flavored when I was growing up, and anything with that taste now makes me think of medicine. Ugh! Funny how stuff like that sticks with us, huh?

  10. Excellent list, and you personal choices are...choice. I'm good with all except the celery. I'm okay with celery. I loves me some broccoli, too, but I'm severely allergic, so no broccoli for me.

    I can't stand people who stop in doorways or in halls to chat with their long-lost friends. Wherever a bottleneck is possible, these people seem to magically appear to drive me bonkers. Doorways, stairways, hallways, any-ways! AAAAH!

    Not using turn signals used to fuel my rage as well, but I solved that when I sold my vehicle and started using the bus to get around. Ahhhh, bliss. I'm so relaxed when I get to work now I have to take a quick nap to get over it.

    So that's pretty much it, except for spammers, oh, and those phishers, and those people who make up words like spamming and phishing...and spork. =)

  11. I'm with you on #3 - they come around a corner on my side of the road heading straight for me and do not see me until I blow the horn very loud!!!
    #5 - Pedophile heaven!!! Ought to be banned.

  12. Zita, I'm with you on the spammers and phishers! They suck! And I agree that people who block hallways are annoying. On that note, it drives me crazy when I'm at the grocery store, and folks leave their carts in the middle of the aisle to roam about, picking things up. I want to ram my cart into theirs, but usually just very gently nudge it over so I can pass.

    Gram, I know! Scary drivers need to go! And so true about #5. Ugh. I hate to even think who the core audience of "Toddlers & Tiaras" is...ugh.

  13. OMG, Susan!! CELERY belongs at the top of The WORST Food Imaginable list. I HATE (x 10,000) it! A friend knew how much I hated it, so she even had a coffee coaster made esp. for me with the image of celery stalks being crossed out by a red X. I use it all the time ;).

    And LOL about running naked through Six Flags rather than having a dental cleaning... Ha!! You DO hate those appointments, don't you?!

  14. Marilyn, yet another thing we have in common! Too funny re. the "no celery" coaster. I need one of those! ;-) And, yes, I really do hate going to the dentist. It's one of those things I grit my teeth and do, but I am always SO glad when it's over.

  15. Sorry Susan, I love the dentist. Have since I was a small child. It probably helped that my mom worked there and I spent a lot of time in the office waiting for her to get off work.
    Love celery, hate turnips. One of the worst things in the world is to take a big bite of lovely buttery potatos and discover they are actually turnips.
    Number one on my list, though is oatmeal cookies with raisons instead of chocolate chips. That's just wrong on so many levels and so sad to get a raison when you're expecting delicious chocolate.

  16. Kadi, I didn't like oatmeal cookies with raisins until I was about 40. Now I love them, especially the ones from Whole Foods (yum!). But hubby, on the other hand, doesn't like raisins. They accidentally had a cinnamon raisin bagel mixed in w/ the chocolate chip bagels the other day. I grabbed a few, thinking they were all choc. chip. When he pulled a raisin one out of the bag, he was, like, "Ewww! What IS this?" So I had to eat it. It was gooood. ;-)